Disturbing revelation: I am terrified of being alone. Like for even one second. I constantly need to be with people or talking to someone.

I didn't use to be that way.

"I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men"
-amy winehouse.



fuck yes.

parasite

I have serious issues about boys and they all stem from Frankie. He infects every aspect of my life. Everytime I turn around, he's there. I broke things off with Ross. Fuck. It was both the easiest and hardest breakup I've ever had. It was easy because he was so sweet and understanding about the whole thing. It was hard because I really don't want to stop seeing him and I feel like at a different time we could have had a nice little thing going. He's a great guy and I miss him already. If it wasn't for Frankie, I wouldn't have done this. I wouldn't be fucked up about guys. I wouldn't push people away for fear of getting close. I know I shouldn't blame someone else for my issues, but seriously...Frankie fucked me up. And he won't go away. It's just so strange to think that he's the same guy I fell in love with when I was sixteen. I don't see that person in him at all anymore. But I guess I'm not the person I was then either.

i was bad on friday night.

FUCK WORK

I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
But it's been the week from hell.
3 more hours.
Come on come on.

"Who decides what is true and what is not true?
We do, you and I
You and I decide what is true and what is not true
What shall be our guiding light?
Happiness, I say happiness...
I see a world full of sorrow
Why should we be happy?
Tell me why should we be happy?
We need a message from above
Look over there, look over here
I can see it, there is beauty in the world"
-Todd Rundgren

My life has changed so drastically in the past 4 months. I have this new job, which is actually less of a job and more of a career. Frankie's gone forever. I've started building a little life for myself and feeling more comfortable in my skin. It's strange being at this place between growing up and grown up. All I know is that I feel so lucky in every way. My life is slowly but surely becoming what I always hoped it would be. I work at a place that I love, my life is full of the most wonderful people, and I have so much fun all the time. If there is a god, I would like to thank her someday.

p.s. Last night Ross and I spent $45 playing Buck Hunter at a trashy bar that we went into to escape the rain. It was probably the most fun I've ever had in my life.

life is wacky

Work has been just nuts. Absolutely nuts. The highlight of each day this week has been going home and watching network television. Gossip Girl, The Bachelor, Beauty and the Geek, etc. What would I do without those shows? P.s. America's Next Top Model and Girlicious tonight!

By the way, here are my bosses:

charlie brown

"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."
-Charles Schultz

That's how I feel today. Get it?
The last two days have felt like two centuries.

"Pain is a part of us, and it wants to be acknowledged. But, as with any other emotion, it’s a visitor, not a permanent resident. The most helpful thing we can do is be patient with it and let it know we consider it a temporary part of us, rather than something we need to get rid of right now....

...Things eventually always settle and get clear again, because no pain is forever.

Actually, nothing is forever. I used to think that was a depressing thought. But, in reality, nothing could be more liberating. And it is, quite literally, a new world every second. I guess I can see that as a threat, or as a gift."

-My dad wrote that in his blog today

don't care if it's lame

"I get by with a little help from my friends."
-The Beatles

"I stand in awe of my body."
-Henry David Thoreau

P.M.A.

Last night Ross and I went to eat at Bangkok City, a Thai place, rather than our usual Vietnamese place. It was not very good and we decided never to eat there again and only to eat at Vietnam forever.

Today at work I had a very nice time. I really didn't have to do very much except for make cookies and answer the phone a few times.

Oh, by the way, here's a picture from the crunk party the other night. It's me and Renee and all our best friends.

stop laughing. now.

"Beware of too much laughter, for it deadens the mind and produces oblivion."
-The Talmud

Ziggy played guitar

I went to the crunkest party this weekend! And before the party I went to bars with Renee, because we're totally both 21 now. Lots of funny things happened, but I don't remember any of them because I was totally wasted. LOLZZZ.

On another note....











I realized at the party that I have these feelings inside of me that are tearing me apart. I'm in love with someone that I shouldn't be in love with. It would kill her, crush her, and we both love her to much to do that. I can't help it. I fantasize about going up to him and just grabbing his dick. In my dreams he is not her boyfriend, he is simply Ziggy and we go to Mars and spend time with the spiders there. For now though, our love can only exist in my dreams. Why does he have to be such a rockstar?

Cher inspires me

"If grass can grow through cement, love can find you at every time in your life."
-Cher

The Top 3 Most Disturbing/Catastrophic Things That Happened to Me Today

1. When I woke up this morning my head was as congested as a Dallas Freeway during rush hour and snot poured out of my nose all day.
2. While I was taking a cigarette break I watched as hundreds of termites poured out of the walls of Janimation like snot from my nose.
   
3. While I was taking said cigarette break, Frankie Campagna called my work and tried to get my boss to break down about who I was dating the way that termites tried to break down the building that I work in.
   

“It is reported that Kafka would read sections of The Trial out loud to his friends and laugh uncontrollably.”
– An Introduction to Kafka

Tuesday Heartbreak

Nay started a blog and I want to be exactly like her in every way so here I am.

Here's what I'm going to write about:

• my cat
• how cool my dad is
• my friends
• how I'm a spaz and I wish I wasn't
• my friends
• the absolutely hilarious things I do when I'm drunk
• my (s)excapades
• tyra
  
• deep, emotional issues
• etc.

There's a lot to look forward to. I have a rich and exciting life.