I MET HANSON

that is all.

I made a questionable decision last night.

Yeah, so things kind of suck at the moment.
I don't really have a home and I've lost thousands of dollars worth of stuff.
But I do have my kitty and I do have my friends and I do have my family.
So I have everything I need.

come on man

Why do you build me up (Build me up) buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (Let me down)and mess me around
And then worst of all (Worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (Say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (Build me up) buttercup, don't break my heart

"I'll be over at ten", you told me time and again
But you're late, I wait around and then (Bah-dah-dah)
I run to the door, I can't take any more
It's not you, you let me down again

(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time, and I'll make you happy
(Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo

Right before eating some honey.

"'Well,' said Pooh, 'what I like best,' and then he had to stop and think. Because although eating honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called."
-A.A. Milne

No complaints.
Just looking forward to so much.
Thanks to Renee, Chetna, Bob, Ross, Brett, DZ, Tom, JFord, Mirela, Julia, my family, and many others for making my life so much fun. I feel so lucky.

One of those days where I feel EVERYTHING.
I feel a little overwhelmed. And I want to be alone.

the optimist's creed

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.
To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.

I have a new boyfriend. His name is Corey. He is a 300 pound black man. He is a good dancer. He likes my energy. He's going to holler at me. He's going to take me to dinner at the Renaissance Hotel and buy me some drinks. I'm cool with that.

P.s. Last night was the most fun I've ever had in my life.

JUNE 12th!?!?!
Really???
JUNE 12th?!?!?

Where the fuck does the time go?
Think for a second about how fast these 6 months have gone by. Then think for a second about all the crazy things that are going to be happening at this time next year. Then realize how fast that's going to come.

Friends, we gotta have fun. This is like the last summer ever.

home.

I talked to Frankie yesterday for the first time in a long time. I've been thinking about him a lot lately because of things my friends are going through and because I spent so much time with my family this weekend and for some reason that makes me think of him(?). I called him and he answered and I immediately burst into tears. Something about hearing Frankie's voice has always been so comforting to me, from the moment I met him. I remember when I first got to college and I was so overwhelmed. I would call him before going to bed and would collapse into tears the second he said "hello" because it just felt like home to me. It's weird that after almost 6 months have gone by and I've barely spoken to him and he still has that effect on me. We talked about work and our families, completely avoided the subject of who we're dating. After all the bad things he's done and all the bad things we've been through, I can't forget what a good friend he was to me. He was like my family. He was my heart. And I miss him.

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."
-The Beatles

I have really good people in my life. I hope I am as good to them as they are to me.

lolcats

i'm just so happy that they exist.

Somebody wrote me a song. It's precious, really precious, and it made my day.

It sucks to realize that you have a crush on someone that you're more or less not allowed to have a crush on.

But it's also super fun.

Zeitgeist

I watched Zeitgeist last night. Even if every idea in that film is fabricated bullshit, at least it opened my eyes for long enough to make me question everything. Blindly following corrupt leaders will surely bring about the end of the world. I wish everyone would watch this movie just so that they can get really, really angry for a minute because there are so many things in the world that we should be angry about.

The day we've been waiting for has arrived.

p.s. Ross and I bonded big time last night. If nothing else, I think I at least have a friend for life in him.

Eggs

"I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs. "

-Woody Allen in Annie Hall

Yesterday I was reminded of feelings that I've tried to tuck away for the past five months. Actually, I haven't so much tucked them away as run from them, skipping from place to place without looking back. There are few things harder than saying goodbye to someone that you don't want to say goodbye to. I know that the way I've dealt with it has not been the best way. I haven't sat still for a second since Frankie and I broke up and yesterday the weight of his absence hit me like a freight train. I really cried for the first time since it happened.

It's important when dealing with these things to allow yourself to really feel it. You can only numb yourself for so long.

But most importantly remember that we all need the eggs. No matter how crazy or absurd or irrational things can end up, it was worth it. It was always worth it.

Ross

" I can't understand
She let go of my hand
An' left me here facing the wall
I'd sure like to know
Why she did go
But I can't get close to her at all
Though we kissed through the wild blazing nighttime
She said she would never forget
But now mornin's clear
It's like ain't here
She acts like we never have met....

If she ain't feelin' well
Then why don't she tell
'Stead of turnin' her back to my face
Without any doubt
She seems too far out
For me to return to her chase
Though her skirt it swayed as a guitar played
Her mouth was watery and wet
But now something has changed
For she ain't the same
She just acts like we never have met."

-Bob Dylan

The Bends
(from last night's show)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Je2DnKo6ZbY

fuckin radiohead

All I Need
There There
15 Step
Bangers and Mash
Nude
Pyramid Song
Weird Fishes/Arpeggi
The National Anthem
Dollars and Cents
Faust Arp
Videotape
A Wolf At The Door
Optimistic
Reckoner
Everything In Its Right Place
Idioteque
Bodysnatchers

1st Encore

Fake Plastic Trees
Jigsaw Falling Into Place
House of Cards
Exit Music (For A Film)
The Bends

2nd Encore

You and Whose Army?
Paranoid Android

yeah yeah

RADIOHEAD SUNDAY!!!!
So excited.

frankie talking about me on a podcast

http://www.quickdfw.com/girltalk/

Okay, so I saw a bulletin on myspace that frankie's dad posted that said frankie did some podcast. yeah, its a podcast by the dallas quick called "girl talk" and they're talking about on-off relationships. truly bizarre. what the fuck.

anal fisting

I have a weakness for curly-haired boys and bi-curious denton girls.
i want to come party in denton and i want to bring the ross.

“I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.”

-jack kerouac

or me?

i'd rather be here

than at work

boys

i love them.

Instant Karma

Karma.

It'll bite you in the ass. She should just be grateful that I'm a better person.
You know?
You KNOW?

On a lighter note: Last night was the shit. Weird and random and crazy, but so fun. I went to LBG to see Cocky Americans and they were pretty awesome. They're very Strokes-esque. Michael Beard was there which was crazy because I haven't seen him in almost a year and he used to be one of my favorite people. We ended up heading over to Doublewide to see the Kul which was cool. (Hahaha). Ross was a sweetheart as were his friends. One thing that's always weird is when people you've known in very different times of your life and in very different ways are suddenly thrown together in the same room. Michael Beard and Drew from my Genghis days, Tony Bones from my Frankie days, Ross from my easy-sleazy days, Keno from my Kevin days. It was fucking weird dude.

ANTM

I can't believe that it's already May. Time passes more quickly each year. I've been rushing too much. Time to sloowww down.

I wonder what Tyra thinks about that?

Disturbing revelation: I am terrified of being alone. Like for even one second. I constantly need to be with people or talking to someone.

I didn't use to be that way.

"I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men"
-amy winehouse.



fuck yes.

parasite

I have serious issues about boys and they all stem from Frankie. He infects every aspect of my life. Everytime I turn around, he's there. I broke things off with Ross. Fuck. It was both the easiest and hardest breakup I've ever had. It was easy because he was so sweet and understanding about the whole thing. It was hard because I really don't want to stop seeing him and I feel like at a different time we could have had a nice little thing going. He's a great guy and I miss him already. If it wasn't for Frankie, I wouldn't have done this. I wouldn't be fucked up about guys. I wouldn't push people away for fear of getting close. I know I shouldn't blame someone else for my issues, but seriously...Frankie fucked me up. And he won't go away. It's just so strange to think that he's the same guy I fell in love with when I was sixteen. I don't see that person in him at all anymore. But I guess I'm not the person I was then either.

i was bad on friday night.

FUCK WORK

I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
But it's been the week from hell.
3 more hours.
Come on come on.

"Who decides what is true and what is not true?
We do, you and I
You and I decide what is true and what is not true
What shall be our guiding light?
Happiness, I say happiness...
I see a world full of sorrow
Why should we be happy?
Tell me why should we be happy?
We need a message from above
Look over there, look over here
I can see it, there is beauty in the world"
-Todd Rundgren

My life has changed so drastically in the past 4 months. I have this new job, which is actually less of a job and more of a career. Frankie's gone forever. I've started building a little life for myself and feeling more comfortable in my skin. It's strange being at this place between growing up and grown up. All I know is that I feel so lucky in every way. My life is slowly but surely becoming what I always hoped it would be. I work at a place that I love, my life is full of the most wonderful people, and I have so much fun all the time. If there is a god, I would like to thank her someday.

p.s. Last night Ross and I spent $45 playing Buck Hunter at a trashy bar that we went into to escape the rain. It was probably the most fun I've ever had in my life.

life is wacky

Work has been just nuts. Absolutely nuts. The highlight of each day this week has been going home and watching network television. Gossip Girl, The Bachelor, Beauty and the Geek, etc. What would I do without those shows? P.s. America's Next Top Model and Girlicious tonight!

By the way, here are my bosses:

charlie brown

"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."
-Charles Schultz

That's how I feel today. Get it?
The last two days have felt like two centuries.

"Pain is a part of us, and it wants to be acknowledged. But, as with any other emotion, it’s a visitor, not a permanent resident. The most helpful thing we can do is be patient with it and let it know we consider it a temporary part of us, rather than something we need to get rid of right now....

...Things eventually always settle and get clear again, because no pain is forever.

Actually, nothing is forever. I used to think that was a depressing thought. But, in reality, nothing could be more liberating. And it is, quite literally, a new world every second. I guess I can see that as a threat, or as a gift."

-My dad wrote that in his blog today

don't care if it's lame

"I get by with a little help from my friends."
-The Beatles

"I stand in awe of my body."
-Henry David Thoreau

P.M.A.

Last night Ross and I went to eat at Bangkok City, a Thai place, rather than our usual Vietnamese place. It was not very good and we decided never to eat there again and only to eat at Vietnam forever.

Today at work I had a very nice time. I really didn't have to do very much except for make cookies and answer the phone a few times.

Oh, by the way, here's a picture from the crunk party the other night. It's me and Renee and all our best friends.

stop laughing. now.

"Beware of too much laughter, for it deadens the mind and produces oblivion."
-The Talmud

Ziggy played guitar

I went to the crunkest party this weekend! And before the party I went to bars with Renee, because we're totally both 21 now. Lots of funny things happened, but I don't remember any of them because I was totally wasted. LOLZZZ.

On another note....











I realized at the party that I have these feelings inside of me that are tearing me apart. I'm in love with someone that I shouldn't be in love with. It would kill her, crush her, and we both love her to much to do that. I can't help it. I fantasize about going up to him and just grabbing his dick. In my dreams he is not her boyfriend, he is simply Ziggy and we go to Mars and spend time with the spiders there. For now though, our love can only exist in my dreams. Why does he have to be such a rockstar?

Cher inspires me

"If grass can grow through cement, love can find you at every time in your life."
-Cher

The Top 3 Most Disturbing/Catastrophic Things That Happened to Me Today

1. When I woke up this morning my head was as congested as a Dallas Freeway during rush hour and snot poured out of my nose all day.
2. While I was taking a cigarette break I watched as hundreds of termites poured out of the walls of Janimation like snot from my nose.
   
3. While I was taking said cigarette break, Frankie Campagna called my work and tried to get my boss to break down about who I was dating the way that termites tried to break down the building that I work in.
   

“It is reported that Kafka would read sections of The Trial out loud to his friends and laugh uncontrollably.”
– An Introduction to Kafka

Tuesday Heartbreak

Nay started a blog and I want to be exactly like her in every way so here I am.

Here's what I'm going to write about:

• my cat
• how cool my dad is
• my friends
• how I'm a spaz and I wish I wasn't
• my friends
• the absolutely hilarious things I do when I'm drunk
• my (s)excapades
• tyra
  
• deep, emotional issues
• etc.

There's a lot to look forward to. I have a rich and exciting life.