frankie.

the past twenty four hours have been really surreal and really difficult. i'm so incredibly grateful for the people who thought of me and called. i heard from friends that i haven't talked to in a really long time and it meant a lot to me.

i'm just really sad. i can't believe he did this to everyone. frankie's problem was always that he couldn't see beyond the moment, and that caused him to be self-destructive and impulsive. he also hurt other people sometimes, but i know he didn't mean to. he always tried really hard to be good, and i think it broke his heart that he couldn't be as good as he wanted to.

i'm glad i got to see him before he died. i'm glad we both got to say things that we've wanted to say for a long time. i'm going to miss him. it's weird that he's not around. because it used to seem like he was everywhere.

i wrote this on june 10, 2008. it's kind of how i've always felt about frankie.

I talked to Frankie yesterday for the first time in a long time. I've been thinking about him a lot lately because of things my friends are going through and because I spent so much time with my family this weekend and for some reason that makes me think of him(?). I called him and he answered and I immediately burst into tears. Something about hearing Frankie's voice has always been so comforting to me, from the moment I met him. I remember when I first got to college and I was so overwhelmed. I would call him before going to bed and would collapse into tears the second he said "hello" because it just felt like home to me. It's weird that after almost 6 months have gone by and I've barely spoken to him and he still has that effect on me. We talked about work and our families, completely avoided the subject of who we're dating. After all the bad things he's done and all the bad things we've been through, I can't forget what a good friend he was to me. He was like my family. He was my heart. And I miss him.

and that's pretty much all i have to say except, hug your friends and tell them you love them.