Last night I got really, really mad. I was sobbing so hard I thought my head was going to explode and all I could think was how stupid he was. Rob was holding me so that I wouldn't completely fall to pieces and I just kept saying "He always makes me so mad." Why would he do this to everyone? Surely he must have known how many people loved him. I don't know why he never thought things through. I don't know why he never thought of anyone but himself. I don't know why as much as I loved him or as much as anyone loved him he couldn't let go of his demons, he couldn't stop going to these dark places. What would it have taken to make him happy? I never knew who the fuck Frankie 45 was. I think he buried himself in that guy. Why couldn't he have just been Frankie?

And I'm still mad. And I just wonder when I'll feel better. It's so weird being in Colorado. The only people I've seen the last couple days are my boyfriend and his sister. There's no way they can understand. I'm sure it's really weird for Rob. Shannon only knows the bad things about Frankie. But goddamn, he was one of the BIGGEST people in my life for years and years. I feel really isolated here. I want to hug Anthony and Frank and my parents. I want to go home.

When do you get over this shit? Fuck him dude. I'm so mad.

frankie.

the past twenty four hours have been really surreal and really difficult. i'm so incredibly grateful for the people who thought of me and called. i heard from friends that i haven't talked to in a really long time and it meant a lot to me.

i'm just really sad. i can't believe he did this to everyone. frankie's problem was always that he couldn't see beyond the moment, and that caused him to be self-destructive and impulsive. he also hurt other people sometimes, but i know he didn't mean to. he always tried really hard to be good, and i think it broke his heart that he couldn't be as good as he wanted to.

i'm glad i got to see him before he died. i'm glad we both got to say things that we've wanted to say for a long time. i'm going to miss him. it's weird that he's not around. because it used to seem like he was everywhere.

i wrote this on june 10, 2008. it's kind of how i've always felt about frankie.

I talked to Frankie yesterday for the first time in a long time. I've been thinking about him a lot lately because of things my friends are going through and because I spent so much time with my family this weekend and for some reason that makes me think of him(?). I called him and he answered and I immediately burst into tears. Something about hearing Frankie's voice has always been so comforting to me, from the moment I met him. I remember when I first got to college and I was so overwhelmed. I would call him before going to bed and would collapse into tears the second he said "hello" because it just felt like home to me. It's weird that after almost 6 months have gone by and I've barely spoken to him and he still has that effect on me. We talked about work and our families, completely avoided the subject of who we're dating. After all the bad things he's done and all the bad things we've been through, I can't forget what a good friend he was to me. He was like my family. He was my heart. And I miss him.

and that's pretty much all i have to say except, hug your friends and tell them you love them.

WORST THING ABOUT FIVE ROOMMATES: EVERYONE IS ALWAYS ASKING WHAT YOU'RE WATCHING, WHAT YOU'RE EATING, WHAT YOU'RE DOING, WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO WORK, IF THEY CAN HAVE ONE OF YOUR BEERS, ETC.

TWO HOURS OF PEACE AND QUIET PLEASE.

UPDATE

So since I've been in Colorado, my only real challenge has been finding consistent employment (which is a huge problem, obviously.) Right now I'm nannying part-time which I love and now I've landed another part-time job working for this guy. He's a total badass. I'll be doing some work helping him gear up for the election, including some canvassing (but no fundraising, thank god). So I'm feeling pretty good about those things, but I am just dying to find a full-time, well paying job. Maybe that's too much to ask for in a college town, but I'm gonna keep throwing my resume out there.

In other news, Renee came to visit and we had SO MUCH FUN. I don't think it could've been a better weekend. I've been camping a lot. I've been hanging out with Rob and his sister a lot. Oh! And my parents bought me plane tickets to go to Virginia for a week for Thanksgiving. So I'll get to meet Rob's crazy family, which I'm SO excited for.

That's me going down the slide at the end of the New Belgium brewery tour! It's really scary and it hurts, but I didn't care cuz I was SMASHED!

P.s. Who's Ross? We were together for almost two years. I can't even remember him.

Pictures

Tonight I looked at every single picture of myself on facebook. That's crazy and compulsive but I did it. I hardly recognize myself in most of them. I dyed my hair and did so much weird shit to myself for so long. And I was pretty fucking unhappy. I mean, I had wonderful friends like Renee and Tom throughout all of it. They will always and forever be my best friends. But I lost myself completely in these abusive (in many ways) relationships. I also think I used to look a lot cuter. Skinnier and blonder or whatever. And now, I don't really give a fuck what I look like. But I've never gotten more compliments than I have recently. And not about my tits or my hair or whatever, but about my character, and my humor, and my voice, my laugh. I am more myself than ever before. I thought I found that my freshman year of college. I was wrong. I was with Frankie and that was my identity. And now I'm in this relationship in which we share friends and experiences and yet maintain our own identities. And that's growing up, I suppose.

p.s. This will be interesting to read tomorrow. I'm drunk as SHIT.