from my dad's blog

arrivals, departures

It's been a hell of a year so far. Glad that it's summer and there's sunshine and a baby girl on the way.

I started a new job this week. That is an insane thing to do when one is 6 months pregnant. Even more so when it requires getting up at 5:30 in the morning. Even more so when I also have 4 hours of school every night and don't get home until after 10 p.m. Even more so when I can't sleep because the baby kicks all night and my back hurts so bad I can hardly walk. I am more exhausted and more overwhelmed than I can possibly explain.

But every night I come home and Rob is there smiling and so excited to kiss me and rub my belly. It makes it really hard to complain. Damn it. I love complaining.

Baby blog: http://babyclareana.wordpress.com/

SURPRISE

 I went to the doctor and they found this in my belly. Is that bad?

just got a very intense, concentrated, unexpected burst of overwhelming sadness. like every memory hit me at once. triggered by a photo of the dallas arboretum. it's right across the street from frankie's dad's house. we used to break into it and run around late at night.
heart stopped, hard to breathe.

p.s. sorry this blog has basically become my outlet for dealing with frankie's death. it just helps me sometimes. hard to talk to my boyfriend about it, no matter how sweet and understanding as he is. i'm still dealing with it everyday.

p.p.s. did this really happen? he hung himself? 

moving along.

Things are really, really coming together for me right now. I got a full-time job at a chiropractor's office and I've started school for the first time in FOUR years. I feel very proud of myself. Unfortunately, I'm still burying a lot of hurt underneath all this awesomeness. I'm still grieving Frankie, and I think I will be for a long time.

People who witnessed the relationship between Frankie and me would definitely say it was unhealthy. It went on for a lot longer than it should have, but that was because we really were just absolutely nuts about each other. We weren't compatible in the least bit, but we fucking LOVED each other. It spoiled me in a lot of ways for years. Frankie was my first relationship and it was about as passionate and intense as a relationship can be. I didn't think anyone would ever love me that much again. I didn't think that I would ever love someone that much again. I thought it was just first love magic.

I dated a lot of guys over the past few years. None of them were right for me. I didn't feel a true connection with any of them. I never felt that I could be myself around them the way I could around Frankie. Then I met Rob. I remember telling Renee and my parents that I hadn't felt that way since I was 16 and that awkward greaser followed me around my friend's birthday party. And for this reason I'm grateful for Frankie. If I hadn't experienced that "once in a lifetime" love with him, I wouldn't have been able to recognize it when it actually did show up for a second time. I learned a lot about being in a relationship during my years with Frankie. I grew up a lot. And because of that I had the fucking courage to move away just to see if it would work out with Rob. I was never scared to do it. I knew that it would be worth it because I hadn't felt that way in years. I had to see where it was going to go. Frankie taught me that true love is rare and special and you shouldn't fucking pussyfoot around it. You have to say it out loud a lot and mean it. You have to follow it. It's kind of all that life is.

Rob and I are still nuts about each other, growing closer everyday. Frank sent me a message the other day that said "though you are missed and loved in the Big D, i know Frankie was proud of you for following your heart to Colorado." I think that's true, because Frankie did tell me that. And I don't think I would have done it if I'd never known him.

Looking through old myspace messages, because...I like to feel sad? Found this message from Frankie. My birthday 2008.

I love you Sharon, I'm sorry about a lot thats happened between us in the past few
years but I'm not sorry that I've known you and loved you this whole time. I wish I could have been better to you but it still wouldn't be as good as what you
deserve from me or anybody. I hope whatever you're up tothis year on your birthday you take a good moment to think about yourself and how special you are to me and everyone else
you know. Love yourself like I love you and don't settle for less ever. You deserve to be happy and thats what I want for you. I love you. I always have and I always will.
You're still perfect to me and I'll never stop feeling that way.
Happy birthday.
Love always,
Forever and ever and ever.
- your frankie.

Last night I got really, really mad. I was sobbing so hard I thought my head was going to explode and all I could think was how stupid he was. Rob was holding me so that I wouldn't completely fall to pieces and I just kept saying "He always makes me so mad." Why would he do this to everyone? Surely he must have known how many people loved him. I don't know why he never thought things through. I don't know why he never thought of anyone but himself. I don't know why as much as I loved him or as much as anyone loved him he couldn't let go of his demons, he couldn't stop going to these dark places. What would it have taken to make him happy? I never knew who the fuck Frankie 45 was. I think he buried himself in that guy. Why couldn't he have just been Frankie?

And I'm still mad. And I just wonder when I'll feel better. It's so weird being in Colorado. The only people I've seen the last couple days are my boyfriend and his sister. There's no way they can understand. I'm sure it's really weird for Rob. Shannon only knows the bad things about Frankie. But goddamn, he was one of the BIGGEST people in my life for years and years. I feel really isolated here. I want to hug Anthony and Frank and my parents. I want to go home.

When do you get over this shit? Fuck him dude. I'm so mad.

frankie.

the past twenty four hours have been really surreal and really difficult. i'm so incredibly grateful for the people who thought of me and called. i heard from friends that i haven't talked to in a really long time and it meant a lot to me.

i'm just really sad. i can't believe he did this to everyone. frankie's problem was always that he couldn't see beyond the moment, and that caused him to be self-destructive and impulsive. he also hurt other people sometimes, but i know he didn't mean to. he always tried really hard to be good, and i think it broke his heart that he couldn't be as good as he wanted to.

i'm glad i got to see him before he died. i'm glad we both got to say things that we've wanted to say for a long time. i'm going to miss him. it's weird that he's not around. because it used to seem like he was everywhere.

i wrote this on june 10, 2008. it's kind of how i've always felt about frankie.

I talked to Frankie yesterday for the first time in a long time. I've been thinking about him a lot lately because of things my friends are going through and because I spent so much time with my family this weekend and for some reason that makes me think of him(?). I called him and he answered and I immediately burst into tears. Something about hearing Frankie's voice has always been so comforting to me, from the moment I met him. I remember when I first got to college and I was so overwhelmed. I would call him before going to bed and would collapse into tears the second he said "hello" because it just felt like home to me. It's weird that after almost 6 months have gone by and I've barely spoken to him and he still has that effect on me. We talked about work and our families, completely avoided the subject of who we're dating. After all the bad things he's done and all the bad things we've been through, I can't forget what a good friend he was to me. He was like my family. He was my heart. And I miss him.

and that's pretty much all i have to say except, hug your friends and tell them you love them.

WORST THING ABOUT FIVE ROOMMATES: EVERYONE IS ALWAYS ASKING WHAT YOU'RE WATCHING, WHAT YOU'RE EATING, WHAT YOU'RE DOING, WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO WORK, IF THEY CAN HAVE ONE OF YOUR BEERS, ETC.

TWO HOURS OF PEACE AND QUIET PLEASE.

UPDATE

So since I've been in Colorado, my only real challenge has been finding consistent employment (which is a huge problem, obviously.) Right now I'm nannying part-time which I love and now I've landed another part-time job working for this guy. He's a total badass. I'll be doing some work helping him gear up for the election, including some canvassing (but no fundraising, thank god). So I'm feeling pretty good about those things, but I am just dying to find a full-time, well paying job. Maybe that's too much to ask for in a college town, but I'm gonna keep throwing my resume out there.

In other news, Renee came to visit and we had SO MUCH FUN. I don't think it could've been a better weekend. I've been camping a lot. I've been hanging out with Rob and his sister a lot. Oh! And my parents bought me plane tickets to go to Virginia for a week for Thanksgiving. So I'll get to meet Rob's crazy family, which I'm SO excited for.

That's me going down the slide at the end of the New Belgium brewery tour! It's really scary and it hurts, but I didn't care cuz I was SMASHED!

P.s. Who's Ross? We were together for almost two years. I can't even remember him.

Pictures

Tonight I looked at every single picture of myself on facebook. That's crazy and compulsive but I did it. I hardly recognize myself in most of them. I dyed my hair and did so much weird shit to myself for so long. And I was pretty fucking unhappy. I mean, I had wonderful friends like Renee and Tom throughout all of it. They will always and forever be my best friends. But I lost myself completely in these abusive (in many ways) relationships. I also think I used to look a lot cuter. Skinnier and blonder or whatever. And now, I don't really give a fuck what I look like. But I've never gotten more compliments than I have recently. And not about my tits or my hair or whatever, but about my character, and my humor, and my voice, my laugh. I am more myself than ever before. I thought I found that my freshman year of college. I was wrong. I was with Frankie and that was my identity. And now I'm in this relationship in which we share friends and experiences and yet maintain our own identities. And that's growing up, I suppose.

p.s. This will be interesting to read tomorrow. I'm drunk as SHIT.

ALL I WANT IS YOU

what happens when hippies mow the lawn

here we aren't, so quickly

Finally delved into the June 14 fiction issue of the New Yorker. Jonathan Safran Foer's "Here We Aren't, So Quickly" unexpectedly caused my eyes to well with tears. A lovely, melancholy story chronicling a relationship.

Some favorite lines:

You couldn't tolerate people who couldn't tolerate babies on planes. I couldn't tolerate people who insisted that having a coffee after lunch would keep them up all night. At a certain point I could hear my knees and felt no need to correct other people's grammar. How can I explain why foreign cities came to mean so much to me?At a certain point you stopped agonizing over your ambitiousness, but at a certain point you stopped trying. I couldn't tolerate magicians who did things that someone who actually had magical powers would never do....

...I changed and changed, and with more time I will change more. I'm not disappointed, just quiet. Not unthinking, just restless. Not willfully unclear, just trying to say it as it wasn't. The more I remember, the more distant I feel. We reached the middle so quickly. After everything it's like nothing. I have always never been here. What a shame it wasn't easy. What a waste of what? What a joke. But come. Be beside me somewhere: on the split stools of this bar, by the edge of this cliff, in the seats of this borrowed car, at the prow of this ship, on the all-forgiving cushions of this threadbare sofa in this one-story copper-crying fixer upper whose windows we once squinted through for hours before coming to our senses: "What would we even do with such a house?"

boyfriend

Oh, I love him so.

colorado

so...
everything is great. i'm done with clean water action. i didn't know that working for an environmental nonprofit could be a bad experience, but that place stressed me out and made me unhappy everyday. the main problem is that they're working on a bullshit campaign. writing thank you letters to politicians is NOT ACTIVISM. i decided this weekend to move to Community for Sustainable Energy, another local canvass that actually works on local issues. I'm excited. The people there are amazing and I think I will fit right in because a lot of the staff have ties to Texas Campaign for the Environment, my home and my family.

Rob is beyond amazing. I was nervous putting everything on the line and moving here to be with him, but that's gone. He promised me that if I moved here he would be the best boyfriend I ever had and he has beyond kept his promise. I feel so lucky to be with him everyday. I honestly can't believe he's real. I guess I can leave it at that. I'm happy happy happy happy happy happy.

yes, im posting love song lyrics

I've seen love go by my door
It's never been this close before
Never been so easy or so slow
Been shooting in the dark too long
When something's not right it's wrong
You gonna make me lonesome when you go
Dragon clouds so high above
I've only known careless love
It's always hit me from below
But this time around it's more correct
Right on target, so direct
you gonna make me lonesome when you go
Flowers on the hillside, bloomin' crazy
Crickets talkin' back and forth in rhyme
Blue river runnin' slow and lazy
I could stay with you forever
And never realize the time
Situations have ended sad
Relationships have all been bad
Mine've been like Verlaine's and Rimbaud
But there's no way I can compare
All those scenes to this affair
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go
-bob dylan, who else?