Bomb Repeat Bomb

from my dad's blog

2011-06-13T17:14:00.003-05:00

It's been a hell of a year so far. Glad that it's summer and there's sunshine and a baby girl on the way.

2011-04-08T00:13:00.000-05:00

I started a new job this week. That is an insane thing to do when one is 6 months pregnant. Even more so when it requires getting up at 5:30 in the morning. Even more so when I also have 4 hours of school every night and don't get home until after 10 p.m. Even more so when I can't sleep because the baby kicks all night and my back hurts so bad I can hardly walk. I am more exhausted and more overwhelmed than I can possibly explain.

But every night I come home and Rob is there smiling and so excited to kiss me and rub my belly. It makes it really hard to complain. Damn it. I love complaining.

2011-03-09T17:23:00.001-06:00

Baby blog: http://babyclareana.wordpress.com/

SURPRISE

2011-03-07T17:30:00.000-06:00

I went to the doctor and they found this in my belly. Is that bad?

2011-02-06T04:26:00.000-06:00

just got a very intense, concentrated, unexpected burst of overwhelming sadness. like every memory hit me at once. triggered by a photo of the dallas arboretum. it's right across the street from frankie's dad's house. we used to break into it and run around late at night.
heart stopped, hard to breathe.

p.s. sorry this blog has basically become my outlet for dealing with frankie's death. it just helps me sometimes. hard to talk to my boyfriend about it, no matter how sweet and understanding as he is. i'm still dealing with it everyday.

p.p.s. did this really happen? he hung himself?

moving along.

2011-01-31T16:38:00.000-06:00

Things are really, really coming together for me right now. I got a full-time job at a chiropractor's office and I've started school for the first time in FOUR years. I feel very proud of myself. Unfortunately, I'm still burying a lot of hurt underneath all this awesomeness. I'm still grieving Frankie, and I think I will be for a long time.

People who witnessed the relationship between Frankie and me would definitely say it was unhealthy. It went on for a lot longer than it should have, but that was because we really were just absolutely nuts about each other. We weren't compatible in the least bit, but we fucking LOVED each other. It spoiled me in a lot of ways for years. Frankie was my first relationship and it was about as passionate and intense as a relationship can be. I didn't think anyone would ever love me that much again. I didn't think that I would ever love someone that much again. I thought it was just first love magic.

I dated a lot of guys over the past few years. None of them were right for me. I didn't feel a true connection with any of them. I never felt that I could be myself around them the way I could around Frankie. Then I met Rob. I remember telling Renee and my parents that I hadn't felt that way since I was 16 and that awkward greaser followed me around my friend's birthday party. And for this reason I'm grateful for Frankie. If I hadn't experienced that "once in a lifetime" love with him, I wouldn't have been able to recognize it when it actually did show up for a second time. I learned a lot about being in a relationship during my years with Frankie. I grew up a lot. And because of that I had the fucking courage to move away just to see if it would work out with Rob. I was never scared to do it. I knew that it would be worth it because I hadn't felt that way in years. I had to see where it was going to go. Frankie taught me that true love is rare and special and you shouldn't fucking pussyfoot around it. You have to say it out loud a lot and mean it. You have to follow it. It's kind of all that life is.

Rob and I are still nuts about each other, growing closer everyday. Frank sent me a message the other day that said "though you are missed and loved in the Big D, i know Frankie was proud of you for following your heart to Colorado." I think that's true, because Frankie did tell me that. And I don't think I would have done it if I'd never known him.

2011-01-18T19:25:00.000-06:00

Looking through old myspace messages, because...I like to feel sad? Found this message from Frankie. My birthday 2008.

I love you Sharon, I'm sorry about a lot thats happened between us in the past few
years but I'm not sorry that I've known you and loved you this whole time. I wish I could have been better to you but it still wouldn't be as good as what you
deserve from me or anybody. I hope whatever you're up tothis year on your birthday you take a good moment to think about yourself and how special you are to me and everyone else
you know. Love yourself like I love you and don't settle for less ever. You deserve to be happy and thats what I want for you. I love you. I always have and I always will.
You're still perfect to me and I'll never stop feeling that way.
Happy birthday.
Love always,
Forever and ever and ever.
- your frankie.

2011-01-03T14:46:00.000-06:00

2011-01-03T14:13:00.000-06:00

Last night I got really, really mad. I was sobbing so hard I thought my head was going to explode and all I could think was how stupid he was. Rob was holding me so that I wouldn't completely fall to pieces and I just kept saying "He always makes me so mad." Why would he do this to everyone? Surely he must have known how many people loved him. I don't know why he never thought things through. I don't know why he never thought of anyone but himself. I don't know why as much as I loved him or as much as anyone loved him he couldn't let go of his demons, he couldn't stop going to these dark places. What would it have taken to make him happy? I never knew who the fuck Frankie 45 was. I think he buried himself in that guy. Why couldn't he have just been Frankie?

And I'm still mad. And I just wonder when I'll feel better. It's so weird being in Colorado. The only people I've seen the last couple days are my boyfriend and his sister. There's no way they can understand. I'm sure it's really weird for Rob. Shannon only knows the bad things about Frankie. But goddamn, he was one of the BIGGEST people in my life for years and years. I feel really isolated here. I want to hug Anthony and Frank and my parents. I want to go home.

When do you get over this shit? Fuck him dude. I'm so mad.

frankie.

2011-01-02T14:49:00.000-06:00

the past twenty four hours have been really surreal and really difficult. i'm so incredibly grateful for the people who thought of me and called. i heard from friends that i haven't talked to in a really long time and it meant a lot to me.

i'm just really sad. i can't believe he did this to everyone. frankie's problem was always that he couldn't see beyond the moment, and that caused him to be self-destructive and impulsive. he also hurt other people sometimes, but i know he didn't mean to. he always tried really hard to be good, and i think it broke his heart that he couldn't be as good as he wanted to.

i'm glad i got to see him before he died. i'm glad we both got to say things that we've wanted to say for a long time. i'm going to miss him. it's weird that he's not around. because it used to seem like he was everywhere.

i wrote this on june 10, 2008. it's kind of how i've always felt about frankie.

I talked to Frankie yesterday for the first time in a long time. I've been thinking about him a lot lately because of things my friends are going through and because I spent so much time with my family this weekend and for some reason that makes me think of him(?). I called him and he answered and I immediately burst into tears. Something about hearing Frankie's voice has always been so comforting to me, from the moment I met him. I remember when I first got to college and I was so overwhelmed. I would call him before going to bed and would collapse into tears the second he said "hello" because it just felt like home to me. It's weird that after almost 6 months have gone by and I've barely spoken to him and he still has that effect on me. We talked about work and our families, completely avoided the subject of who we're dating. After all the bad things he's done and all the bad things we've been through, I can't forget what a good friend he was to me. He was like my family. He was my heart. And I miss him.

and that's pretty much all i have to say except, hug your friends and tell them you love them.

2010-10-30T19:56:00.000-05:00

WORST THING ABOUT FIVE ROOMMATES: EVERYONE IS ALWAYS ASKING WHAT YOU'RE WATCHING, WHAT YOU'RE EATING, WHAT YOU'RE DOING, WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO WORK, IF THEY CAN HAVE ONE OF YOUR BEERS, ETC.

TWO HOURS OF PEACE AND QUIET PLEASE.

UPDATE

2010-09-16T17:25:00.001-05:00

So since I've been in Colorado, my only real challenge has been finding consistent employment (which is a huge problem, obviously.) Right now I'm nannying part-time which I love and now I've landed another part-time job working for this guy. He's a total badass. I'll be doing some work helping him gear up for the election, including some canvassing (but no fundraising, thank god). So I'm feeling pretty good about those things, but I am just dying to find a full-time, well paying job. Maybe that's too much to ask for in a college town, but I'm gonna keep throwing my resume out there.

In other news, Renee came to visit and we had SO MUCH FUN. I don't think it could've been a better weekend. I've been camping a lot. I've been hanging out with Rob and his sister a lot. Oh! And my parents bought me plane tickets to go to Virginia for a week for Thanksgiving. So I'll get to meet Rob's crazy family, which I'm SO excited for.

That's me going down the slide at the end of the New Belgium brewery tour! It's really scary and it hurts, but I didn't care cuz I was SMASHED!

2010-08-26T05:24:00.002-05:00

P.s. Who's Ross? We were together for almost two years. I can't even remember him.

Pictures

2010-08-26T05:01:00.002-05:00

Tonight I looked at every single picture of myself on facebook. That's crazy and compulsive but I did it. I hardly recognize myself in most of them. I dyed my hair and did so much weird shit to myself for so long. And I was pretty fucking unhappy. I mean, I had wonderful friends like Renee and Tom throughout all of it. They will always and forever be my best friends. But I lost myself completely in these abusive (in many ways) relationships. I also think I used to look a lot cuter. Skinnier and blonder or whatever. And now, I don't really give a fuck what I look like. But I've never gotten more compliments than I have recently. And not about my tits or my hair or whatever, but about my character, and my humor, and my voice, my laugh. I am more myself than ever before. I thought I found that my freshman year of college. I was wrong. I was with Frankie and that was my identity. And now I'm in this relationship in which we share friends and experiences and yet maintain our own identities. And that's growing up, I suppose.

p.s. This will be interesting to read tomorrow. I'm drunk as SHIT.

ALL I WANT IS YOU

2010-07-27T17:43:00.000-05:00

what happens when hippies mow the lawn

2010-07-23T16:05:00.001-05:00

here we aren't, so quickly

2010-07-20T21:20:00.004-05:00

Finally delved into the June 14 fiction issue of the New Yorker. Jonathan Safran Foer's "Here We Aren't, So Quickly" unexpectedly caused my eyes to well with tears. A lovely, melancholy story chronicling a relationship.

Some favorite lines:

You couldn't tolerate people who couldn't tolerate babies on planes. I couldn't tolerate people who insisted that having a coffee after lunch would keep them up all night. At a certain point I could hear my knees and felt no need to correct other people's grammar. How can I explain why foreign cities came to mean so much to me?At a certain point you stopped agonizing over your ambitiousness, but at a certain point you stopped trying. I couldn't tolerate magicians who did things that someone who actually had magical powers would never do....

...I changed and changed, and with more time I will change more. I'm not disappointed, just quiet. Not unthinking, just restless. Not willfully unclear, just trying to say it as it wasn't. The more I remember, the more distant I feel. We reached the middle so quickly. After everything it's like nothing. I have always never been here. What a shame it wasn't easy. What a waste of what? What a joke. But come. Be beside me somewhere: on the split stools of this bar, by the edge of this cliff, in the seats of this borrowed car, at the prow of this ship, on the all-forgiving cushions of this threadbare sofa in this one-story copper-crying fixer upper whose windows we once squinted through for hours before coming to our senses: "What would we even do with such a house?"

boyfriend

2010-06-11T16:23:00.002-05:00

Oh, I love him so.

colorado

2010-06-07T03:18:00.002-05:00

so...
everything is great. i'm done with clean water action. i didn't know that working for an environmental nonprofit could be a bad experience, but that place stressed me out and made me unhappy everyday. the main problem is that they're working on a bullshit campaign. writing thank you letters to politicians is NOT ACTIVISM. i decided this weekend to move to Community for Sustainable Energy, another local canvass that actually works on local issues. I'm excited. The people there are amazing and I think I will fit right in because a lot of the staff have ties to Texas Campaign for the Environment, my home and my family.

Rob is beyond amazing. I was nervous putting everything on the line and moving here to be with him, but that's gone. He promised me that if I moved here he would be the best boyfriend I ever had and he has beyond kept his promise. I feel so lucky to be with him everyday. I honestly can't believe he's real. I guess I can leave it at that. I'm happy happy happy happy happy happy.

yes, im posting love song lyrics

2010-03-19T04:27:00.003-05:00

I've seen love go by my door
It's never been this close before
Never been so easy or so slow
Been shooting in the dark too long
When something's not right it's wrong
You gonna make me lonesome when you go
Dragon clouds so high above
I've only known careless love
It's always hit me from below
But this time around it's more correct
Right on target, so direct
you gonna make me lonesome when you go
Flowers on the hillside, bloomin' crazy
Crickets talkin' back and forth in rhyme
Blue river runnin' slow and lazy
I could stay with you forever
And never realize the time
Situations have ended sad
Relationships have all been bad
Mine've been like Verlaine's and Rimbaud
But there's no way I can compare
All those scenes to this affair
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go
-bob dylan, who else?

2010-03-16T19:03:00.002-05:00

"When love is not madness, it is not love."

Moving to Colorado on May 1. Probably the craziest thing I've ever done, but for some reason I'm not at all scared. Everything is so clear. I feel at peace for once. It seems like all my bad history was erased over the last three weeks. I can't remember ever being this happy.

2009-07-16T09:15:00.003-05:00

Just logged onto myspace for the first time in a while. Got a message from Big Frank letting me know that Frankie's engaged. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I knew this was going to happen soon, and I knew it would feel just like this, a punch in the stomach. I'll be over it in a minute, but I'm kind of freaking out right now.

home

2009-05-30T01:19:00.001-05:00

It sounds so good.

2009-05-20T03:48:00.000-05:00

"I'll save half the world, he decided. The other half can burn away to nothing."

-lowboy by john wray

The book I'm reading now. F-ing brilliant.

sometimes i wonder

2009-04-16T01:09:00.000-05:00

about what happens to old boyfriends.

where do they go? what do they do? are they happier now? have they figured out their issues they way I've figured out mine?

i hope so. most of them seemed pretty lost.

anemia

2009-03-13T21:32:00.000-05:00

I developed a harmless crush on a boy. His hair is prematurely gray. He walked me to the elevator like a gentleman and bit me on the neck. Tomorrow he will go away, which is probably for the best.

a year

2009-02-16T02:04:00.000-06:00

A lot has happened this past year, a lot of it bad. It was definitely the most difficult year of my life, for many reasons that I don't wish to rehash. But here I am. I have a job that makes me feel good. I can't tell you how much that job has changed my life. I'm excited everyday. Everyday I get to talk to fifty or more people and hear their stories. I'm making a difference, small as it may seem. And then there's Ross. I met him a year ago today, and I never would have guessed that he'd become one of my best friends and one of the most important people in my life. We have a connection that's so different than anything I've ever experienced. I don't know...I'm just so grateful to have him in my life. He bought my cat a valentines day present because he wants to be better friends with him. That's fucking cute. Anyway, I've just been thinking about the past year and the things that got me through it. I couldn't have done it without RENEE, tom, and ross. Those are 3 people who I hope to have in my life in some form for a very long time. Friends are everything and I have good ones. And thank you, TCE, for giving me something to work for.

I MET HANSON

2008-09-16T13:52:00.000-05:00

that is all.

2008-07-29T11:02:00.001-05:00

I made a questionable decision last night.

2008-07-17T16:18:00.001-05:00

Yeah, so things kind of suck at the moment.
I don't really have a home and I've lost thousands of dollars worth of stuff.
But I do have my kitty and I do have my friends and I do have my family.
So I have everything I need.

come on man

2008-07-08T10:48:00.001-05:00

Why do you build me up (Build me up) buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (Let me down)and mess me around
And then worst of all (Worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (Say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (Build me up) buttercup, don't break my heart

"I'll be over at ten", you told me time and again
But you're late, I wait around and then (Bah-dah-dah)
I run to the door, I can't take any more
It's not you, you let me down again

(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time, and I'll make you happy
(Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo

Right before eating some honey.

2008-07-02T08:38:00.003-05:00

"'Well,' said Pooh, 'what I like best,' and then he had to stop and think. Because although eating honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called."
-A.A. Milne

No complaints.
Just looking forward to so much.
Thanks to Renee, Chetna, Bob, Ross, Brett, DZ, Tom, JFord, Mirela, Julia, my family, and many others for making my life so much fun. I feel so lucky.

2008-06-19T16:09:00.001-05:00

One of those days where I feel EVERYTHING.
I feel a little overwhelmed. And I want to be alone.

the optimist's creed

2008-06-17T16:10:00.001-05:00

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.
To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.

2008-06-17T15:52:00.000-05:00

I have a new boyfriend. His name is Corey. He is a 300 pound black man. He is a good dancer. He likes my energy. He's going to holler at me. He's going to take me to dinner at the Renaissance Hotel and buy me some drinks. I'm cool with that.

P.s. Last night was the most fun I've ever had in my life.

2008-06-12T17:39:00.001-05:00

JUNE 12th!?!?!
Really???
JUNE 12th?!?!?

Where the fuck does the time go?
Think for a second about how fast these 6 months have gone by. Then think for a second about all the crazy things that are going to be happening at this time next year. Then realize how fast that's going to come.

Friends, we gotta have fun. This is like the last summer ever.

home.

2008-06-10T09:46:00.000-05:00

I talked to Frankie yesterday for the first time in a long time. I've been thinking about him a lot lately because of things my friends are going through and because I spent so much time with my family this weekend and for some reason that makes me think of him(?). I called him and he answered and I immediately burst into tears. Something about hearing Frankie's voice has always been so comforting to me, from the moment I met him. I remember when I first got to college and I was so overwhelmed. I would call him before going to bed and would collapse into tears the second he said "hello" because it just felt like home to me. It's weird that after almost 6 months have gone by and I've barely spoken to him and he still has that effect on me. We talked about work and our families, completely avoided the subject of who we're dating. After all the bad things he's done and all the bad things we've been through, I can't forget what a good friend he was to me. He was like my family. He was my heart. And I miss him.

2008-06-09T10:06:00.003-05:00

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."
-The Beatles

2008-06-09T10:06:00.001-05:00

I have really good people in my life. I hope I am as good to them as they are to me.

lolcats

2008-06-06T11:49:00.002-05:00

i'm just so happy that they exist.

2008-06-03T16:15:00.001-05:00

Somebody wrote me a song. It's precious, really precious, and it made my day.

2008-06-03T11:05:00.001-05:00

It sucks to realize that you have a crush on someone that you're more or less not allowed to have a crush on.

But it's also super fun.

Zeitgeist

2008-06-02T11:14:00.001-05:00

I watched Zeitgeist last night. Even if every idea in that film is fabricated bullshit, at least it opened my eyes for long enough to make me question everything. Blindly following corrupt leaders will surely bring about the end of the world. I wish everyone would watch this movie just so that they can get really, really angry for a minute because there are so many things in the world that we should be angry about.

2008-05-30T15:34:00.000-05:00

The day we've been waiting for has arrived.

2008-05-27T16:20:00.002-05:00

p.s. Ross and I bonded big time last night. If nothing else, I think I at least have a friend for life in him.

Eggs

2008-05-27T13:19:00.000-05:00

"I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs. "

-Woody Allen in Annie Hall

Yesterday I was reminded of feelings that I've tried to tuck away for the past five months. Actually, I haven't so much tucked them away as run from them, skipping from place to place without looking back. There are few things harder than saying goodbye to someone that you don't want to say goodbye to. I know that the way I've dealt with it has not been the best way. I haven't sat still for a second since Frankie and I broke up and yesterday the weight of his absence hit me like a freight train. I really cried for the first time since it happened.

It's important when dealing with these things to allow yourself to really feel it. You can only numb yourself for so long.

But most importantly remember that we all need the eggs. No matter how crazy or absurd or irrational things can end up, it was worth it. It was always worth it.

Ross

2008-05-20T13:34:00.001-05:00

" I can't understand
She let go of my hand
An' left me here facing the wall
I'd sure like to know
Why she did go
But I can't get close to her at all
Though we kissed through the wild blazing nighttime
She said she would never forget
But now mornin's clear
It's like ain't here
She acts like we never have met....

If she ain't feelin' well
Then why don't she tell
'Stead of turnin' her back to my face
Without any doubt
She seems too far out
For me to return to her chase
Though her skirt it swayed as a guitar played
Her mouth was watery and wet
But now something has changed
For she ain't the same
She just acts like we never have met."

-Bob Dylan

2008-05-19T15:55:00.000-05:00

The Bends
(from last night's show)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Je2DnKo6ZbY

fuckin radiohead

2008-05-19T15:47:00.005-05:00

All I Need
There There
15 Step
Bangers and Mash
Nude
Pyramid Song
Weird Fishes/Arpeggi
The National Anthem
Dollars and Cents
Faust Arp
Videotape
A Wolf At The Door
Optimistic
Reckoner
Everything In Its Right Place
Idioteque
Bodysnatchers

1st Encore

Fake Plastic Trees
Jigsaw Falling Into Place
House of Cards
Exit Music (For A Film)
The Bends

2nd Encore

You and Whose Army?
Paranoid Android

yeah yeah

2008-05-16T08:40:00.000-05:00

RADIOHEAD SUNDAY!!!!
So excited.

frankie talking about me on a podcast

2008-05-08T10:31:00.000-05:00

http://www.quickdfw.com/girltalk/

Okay, so I saw a bulletin on myspace that frankie's dad posted that said frankie did some podcast. yeah, its a podcast by the dallas quick called "girl talk" and they're talking about on-off relationships. truly bizarre. what the fuck.

anal fisting

2008-05-08T10:15:00.002-05:00

I have a weakness for curly-haired boys and bi-curious denton girls.
i want to come party in denton and i want to bring the ross.

2008-05-06T16:03:00.001-05:00

“I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.”

-jack kerouac

or me?

i'd rather be here

2008-05-06T15:57:00.000-05:00

than at work

boys

2008-05-05T11:31:00.001-05:00

i love them.

Instant Karma

2008-05-02T11:42:00.000-05:00

Karma.

It'll bite you in the ass. She should just be grateful that I'm a better person.
You know?
You KNOW?

On a lighter note: Last night was the shit. Weird and random and crazy, but so fun. I went to LBG to see Cocky Americans and they were pretty awesome. They're very Strokes-esque. Michael Beard was there which was crazy because I haven't seen him in almost a year and he used to be one of my favorite people. We ended up heading over to Doublewide to see the Kul which was cool. (Hahaha). Ross was a sweetheart as were his friends. One thing that's always weird is when people you've known in very different times of your life and in very different ways are suddenly thrown together in the same room. Michael Beard and Drew from my Genghis days, Tony Bones from my Frankie days, Ross from my easy-sleazy days, Keno from my Kevin days. It was fucking weird dude.

ANTM

2008-05-01T10:10:00.001-05:00

I can't believe that it's already May. Time passes more quickly each year. I've been rushing too much. Time to sloowww down.

I wonder what Tyra thinks about that?

2008-04-30T14:17:00.002-05:00

Disturbing revelation: I am terrified of being alone. Like for even one second. I constantly need to be with people or talking to someone.

I didn't use to be that way.

2008-04-29T13:37:00.000-05:00

"I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men"
-amy winehouse.

fuck yes.

parasite

2008-04-29T13:28:00.000-05:00

I have serious issues about boys and they all stem from Frankie. He infects every aspect of my life. Everytime I turn around, he's there. I broke things off with Ross. Fuck. It was both the easiest and hardest breakup I've ever had. It was easy because he was so sweet and understanding about the whole thing. It was hard because I really don't want to stop seeing him and I feel like at a different time we could have had a nice little thing going. He's a great guy and I miss him already. If it wasn't for Frankie, I wouldn't have done this. I wouldn't be fucked up about guys. I wouldn't push people away for fear of getting close. I know I shouldn't blame someone else for my issues, but seriously...Frankie fucked me up. And he won't go away. It's just so strange to think that he's the same guy I fell in love with when I was sixteen. I don't see that person in him at all anymore. But I guess I'm not the person I was then either.

2008-04-28T13:23:00.001-05:00

i was bad on friday night.

FUCK WORK

2008-04-25T14:47:00.000-05:00

I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
But it's been the week from hell.
3 more hours.
Come on come on.

2008-04-24T15:17:00.001-05:00

"Who decides what is true and what is not true?
We do, you and I
You and I decide what is true and what is not true
What shall be our guiding light?
Happiness, I say happiness...
I see a world full of sorrow
Why should we be happy?
Tell me why should we be happy?
We need a message from above
Look over there, look over here
I can see it, there is beauty in the world"
-Todd Rundgren

2008-04-24T10:04:00.002-05:00

My life has changed so drastically in the past 4 months. I have this new job, which is actually less of a job and more of a career. Frankie's gone forever. I've started building a little life for myself and feeling more comfortable in my skin. It's strange being at this place between growing up and grown up. All I know is that I feel so lucky in every way. My life is slowly but surely becoming what I always hoped it would be. I work at a place that I love, my life is full of the most wonderful people, and I have so much fun all the time. If there is a god, I would like to thank her someday.

p.s. Last night Ross and I spent $45 playing Buck Hunter at a trashy bar that we went into to escape the rain. It was probably the most fun I've ever had in my life.

life is wacky

2008-04-23T14:00:00.002-05:00

Work has been just nuts. Absolutely nuts. The highlight of each day this week has been going home and watching network television. Gossip Girl, The Bachelor, Beauty and the Geek, etc. What would I do without those shows? P.s. America's Next Top Model and Girlicious tonight!

By the way, here are my bosses:

charlie brown

2008-04-18T13:26:00.004-05:00

"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."
-Charles Schultz

That's how I feel today. Get it?
The last two days have felt like two centuries.

2008-04-17T15:45:00.002-05:00

"Pain is a part of us, and it wants to be acknowledged. But, as with any other emotion, it’s a visitor, not a permanent resident. The most helpful thing we can do is be patient with it and let it know we consider it a temporary part of us, rather than something we need to get rid of right now....

...Things eventually always settle and get clear again, because no pain is forever.

Actually, nothing is forever. I used to think that was a depressing thought. But, in reality, nothing could be more liberating. And it is, quite literally, a new world every second. I guess I can see that as a threat, or as a gift."

-My dad wrote that in his blog today

don't care if it's lame

2008-04-17T10:27:00.003-05:00

"I get by with a little help from my friends."
-The Beatles

2008-04-15T15:01:00.001-05:00

"I stand in awe of my body."
-Henry David Thoreau

P.M.A.

2008-04-15T14:51:00.002-05:00

Last night Ross and I went to eat at Bangkok City, a Thai place, rather than our usual Vietnamese place. It was not very good and we decided never to eat there again and only to eat at Vietnam forever.

Today at work I had a very nice time. I really didn't have to do very much except for make cookies and answer the phone a few times.

Oh, by the way, here's a picture from the crunk party the other night. It's me and Renee and all our best friends.

stop laughing. now.

2008-04-14T12:39:00.004-05:00

"Beware of too much laughter, for it deadens the mind and produces oblivion."
-The Talmud

Ziggy played guitar

2008-04-14T09:46:00.003-05:00

I went to the crunkest party this weekend! And before the party I went to bars with Renee, because we're totally both 21 now. Lots of funny things happened, but I don't remember any of them because I was totally wasted. LOLZZZ.

On another note....

I realized at the party that I have these feelings inside of me that are tearing me apart. I'm in love with someone that I shouldn't be in love with. It would kill her, crush her, and we both love her to much to do that. I can't help it. I fantasize about going up to him and just grabbing his dick. In my dreams he is not her boyfriend, he is simply Ziggy and we go to Mars and spend time with the spiders there. For now though, our love can only exist in my dreams. Why does he have to be such a rockstar?

Cher inspires me

2008-04-09T16:01:00.002-05:00

"If grass can grow through cement, love can find you at every time in your life."
-Cher

The Top 3 Most Disturbing/Catastrophic Things That Happened to Me Today

2008-04-09T14:51:00.004-05:00

When I woke up this morning my head was as congested as a Dallas Freeway during rush hour and snot poured out of my nose all day.
While I was taking a cigarette break I watched as hundreds of termites poured out of the walls of Janimation like snot from my nose.
While I was taking said cigarette break, Frankie Campagna called my work and tried to get my boss to break down about who I was dating the way that termites tried to break down the building that I work in.

2008-04-08T16:45:00.001-05:00

“It is reported that Kafka would read sections of The Trial out loud to his friends and laugh uncontrollably.”
– An Introduction to Kafka

Tuesday Heartbreak

2008-04-08T15:02:00.001-05:00

Nay started a blog and I want to be exactly like her in every way so here I am.

Here's what I'm going to write about:

my cat
how cool my dad is
my friends
how I'm a spaz and I wish I wasn't
my friends
the absolutely hilarious things I do when I'm drunk
my (s)excapades
tyra
deep, emotional issues
etc.

There's a lot to look forward to. I have a rich and exciting life.